The Chief End of Man

It’s Friday night, and though I’m done with worship and could be home already, I’m hiding out in the darkened church office, watching the sunset through the thin black bars of the cage. It’s a really beautiful sunset. Words won’t do it justice, so I’ll refrain from trying to describe it.

I don’t actually have anything of significance to say. I just felt like writing.

The chief end of man is to love God, which encompasses glorifying Him and enjoying Him forever. I love that we are powerless to love Him of our own accord. Only He can give us the ability to love Him more. He won’t force Himself on us though; He waits for us to want to want Him, and then He’ll give us some of that divine love for the Divine.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about loving God. I’ve been reading a book all about loving Him and listening to sermons about loving Him. I’ve been thinking back to the time when I think I was most in love with Him. I want to always be “most” in love with Him. I want to love Him more today than I did yesterday, and never stagnate in that.

I think I was most in love with Him last year in the late spring. I had just read The Sacred Romance. I was spending a lot of time alone with Him in beautiful places, usually the beach. I thought about Him constantly, as lovers do, and was always longing to get away with Him. I was in school then, which meant that I was sometimes ditching class to go hang out with Jesus on the beach. I even read my Bible instead of studying for finals- but then He blessed me with all A’s and one B.

I think I actually do love God just as much now as I did back then, it’s just that the capacity for love has increased. I think of it this way. Let’s say my heart, ie my love, is in a box. It can grow to fill up the box, which makes it seem fully grown. But over time, the box itself grows, and my heart stays the same size. Suddenly, I realize that there is more room to grow, or to love, and then my heart again can grow to fill up the box. There will always be more room to grow (increase in love), because as soon as the box is full, it gets bigger and provides more room.

I don’t know if that makes sense to you. It does to me.

If ever we lose sight of the fact that the point of all this insanity is loving God, then whatever we are doing becomes worthless. If we could only have one thing to focus on for the rest of our lives, it would have to be loving God. What if we went about our days relating everything back to this? What if in every situation we asked ourselves, “Will this help me love God more? Will it help someone else love God more? Will it be an expression of my love for God?” I think we’d waste a lot less time if we operated this way. Maybe then I wouldn’t have waited 3 months to clean my room, because I would have realized that being a good steward of the possessions He’s given me is glorifying to Him, which is an expression of love. Maybe I would stop procrastinating, because doing my work well, in His name, is honoring to Him. Maybe I would eat better & exercise, because taking care of my body is respecting His creation, aka me.

I dunno. Maybe I will try this uni-focus lifestyle. It’s so easy to get swept away by so many cares; not all of them are bad, but only this one is the best. I think I’m ready to stop focusing on accomplishing things just for the sake of accomplishing them, or doing a & b just so I can get to c. I can love Jesus here and now. I don’t have to wait until I finish my undergrad, or until I get hired as a worship leader or youth worker. If loving Him is my focus, then I have a better chance of reaching my goals more quickly than if I’m thinking more about finishing community college before 2011.

Training Ground

God is so smart. He made the perfect decision when He told me to make New Song my home church on November 18, 2007, and again when He told me to quit ballet & devote myself to ministry on October 24, 2008.

I just got out of a youth ministry meeting where we were mapping out how we’re going to get students to go from “Come & see” to “Come & die” (John 1:46 and Matthew 16:24-25, respectively). It was a very eye-opening meeting as we saw where we are currently successful and where we need work. As we were going over our plan to write down specific areas in which to take action, I realized something awesome.

About 8 months ago, I decided to begin giving up my life to do ministry. I began giving of my time and energy to further the kingdom of God through the Church. All I had to go on was that God wanted me working with music and young women, so I took that knowledge and ran with it.

Now, on the other side of a very quick yet lengthy-feeling 8 months, I am ridiculously equipped. I have learned more than I thought I would, surely. God has transformed me into someone who isn’t really me; all these good qualities, all this leadership flowing from me, is actually Him. I would say that I amaze myself, but it’s not me anyway- so really, He amazes me. I have 15 more minutes to write before I have to go lead a high school girls’ small group that I took the initiative of forming. Courtney 8 months ago would never have done that. But that’s God for ya.

Ultimately, I technically still don’t know “what I’ll be doing with my life.” I’m totally okay with that. I have a feeling God will never just settle me into one easily definable job description anyway. My ministry started November 8, 2008, at Catalina Island, when I realized that God was ready for me to start pouring into others instead of always being the one poured into. That means I’m already doing “what I’ll be doing with my life.”

So where am I in terms of my two ministry focuses? I’m so glad you asked :)

At this moment, I am well on my way to becoming a fully hireable worship leader. I can’t even say how much that statement excites me. Developments in the last couple of weeks have propelled me further in desire and progress toward my goal. In a couple months, I will probably have my own service to lead. (Picture a ridiculously huge smile on my face right about now.)

On the young women front, I am continuing in leading my 11th grade girls small group both on Tuesday nights and our additional time on Wednesday nights. When the fall starts, I’ll be stepping up one level to become the entire junior class coach, which basically means I’ll be the youth pastor for all the 11th graders/the boss of all their small group leaders. I’ll be getting an even closer look at how we do youth ministry, which is essentially what we talked about in the meeting today.

New Song is an excellent training ground for ministry. I am so glad we are devoted to raising up new leaders and future pastoral staff members. No matter where God calls me next, I know I will be well equipped to tackle the ministry issues I face.

The Pain & Joy of Following Him

You may know, if you go to my church or college group, that our college pastor Brian Kiley had his last night with us this past Sunday. [You can read his blog post about it here.] That night I was working the tech booth (as I have been for a while now) running powerpoint. On the last song, I let myself think about the implications of Brian’s departure, and did my best to hold back the tears. Then I lost track of where we were in the song and forgot to go to the next slide, so my emotional moment thankfully ended. I avoided saying anything serious all night, because I knew that if I said something I would most likely break down.

A few minutes ago, while reading Brian’s post and seeing again the horribly sad picture of him sitting in the empty venue room on the stage (which perfectly encapsulates every aspect of this event), I cried again, as bitterly as I would have if I’d let myself on Sunday. I was somewhat surprised by the intensity of my sadness. It seemed there was a little something extra for which I was crying. Looking back at the picture and reading the comment before mine on the post told me what it was: the situation is a foreshadowing of what will happen to me one day. It’s happening to so many people, and I know one day I’ll experience it too. It’s the fact that I will one day have to leave New Song and venture out wherever God calls me. Yes, I’ll follow Him anywhere, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be heartbreak in doing so. It’ll be bittersweet, I’m sure, as the pain of leaving mixes with the excitement of a new adventure. I’ve wished more than once that I could just pick up whole cities and buildings and move them into my own newly assembled world. I would have moved Winnipeg to Oceanside back in 2007 if I could have. [If you're confused by that statement, read About the Writer.] When I leave Oceanside I know I’m going to want to take it with me, but alas, that will never be. Life changes; people move away. Bonds are broken as new ones are formed. The only consistency is Jesus.

I loved what Brian said about that on Sunday. I wrote it down word-for-word it was so awesome. He said, ” The leader of Seven24 has never been me; the leader is Jesus, and He’s not going anywhere.” I absolutely love that. He’s not going anywhere. What a comfort it is to know that our precious Beloved, our beautiful Savior, isn’t going anywhere. No matter where we go or who we leave behind, He will be there by our sides. He was with me when I left California in June 2006. He was with me when I left Winnipeg in June 2007. He was with me when I left my high school friends and church for New Song in November 2007. He was with me even after I left my mother and brother and my life-long love of ballet in October 2008. There is nothing that makes me think He won’t be with me when I leave New Song one day.

Brian has not only been an excellent pastor, he has been a great example of a man of God and a beloved part of our community. He’s on my list of favorite people, and he’s the one who God used to inspire me to go to seminary one day. In short, God has used Brian to shape my life as it is today, and I know He has used him in this way for many others as well. In the end, when making that change from one community to another, that is what matters. How did God use me to touch hearts and change lives in this place? Our pain is never worthless when we go through it for the kingdom of God.