Courtney (left) on stage, age 18
I have been on stage every year of my life since I turned three. Performing is not only an ordinary part of life for me, it is in my blood. My mother was a professional ballet dancer until age 23 when a crippling foot injury forced her into retirement from the stage. That didn’t keep her from the performance world, however; she proceeded to teach ballet, own her own school & youth company, and put on full-length Nutcrackers & other productions for almost 20 years. I was a part of every one of those shows, from the time I could walk onward, thus the theater & the stage became a second home to me from early on.
Some people have simply been made to perform. Lately I’ve been discovering a lot about the role of artists, both performing and creative, in the kingdom of God. No, art does not have the same effect of say, a homeless ministry or a call to missions, but it is equally as important to God. The first thing God did in Scripture was to create- and I’m sure, had we been there, it would have been quite the show. God is the ultimate Artist, so when He creates humans in that aspect of His image, it would be, as I see it, direct disobedience for those people to deny art as their calling. For two years I sought something “more meaningful” than simply performing, be it dancing or making music, but recently, those constant attempts to reinvent myself have ceased.
I would say, if you are someone who is doing his or her best to follow Christ in everything you do, and in so doing are being true to the person He made you to be, then your very act of living is a ministry. Ministry is not limited to the four walls of the church. What is ministry if not reaching the world with the gospel and the love of God? So, if you do that in whatever way God created you to, be it as a businessman, or a cop, or a doctor, or a computer programmer, then you have a ministry.
Anyway, all that is to say that it finally got through my stubborn skull that God made me to perform, and that to deny that would be to reject His creation & directly disobey Him.
So, if I am to perform, then how do I begin to define performing? I shall explain from the perspective of a dancer & musician, seeing as I have had no other perspectives.
To perform is, in my humble opinion, to have the absolute most transcendent physical experience it is possible to have in this life. Performing is not simply getting up on a stage, doing my song or dance, and hoping people watch and like it and clap for me and compliment me afterwards. No, performing is so much more than that.
It is to make myself completely vulnerable before a group of people; maybe they are mostly friends, or all completely strangers, or members of my family- it’s all the same, really. But when I get on that stage, I lose myself. I lose touch with my inhibitions, my fears, my sense of time & reality. It all melts away and leaves me with nothing but myself and the music. And as I become more and more lost, I come in touch with the very core & heart of all the passion inside me; for just a few ethereal moments, I am deeply in love with the song or variation (short classical ballet dance) I am doing, and I know nothing else.
If you define performing as I have described, then it is entirely possible and perfectly acceptable to perform when leading worship. With this definition, performing is not about getting attention, but about completely immersing yourself in what you are doing & letting go of anything that is keeping you from being totally authentic to how you feel and who you are. My best times in worship leading are spent in such a way.
All that said, I have decided to dance again, professionally. I could not be more excited :)
