It is becoming increasingly evident that there are very few people who understand me. The world, my community, and many of my friends simply don’t get it. This is rather disheartening for someone whose desire to be known and understood ranks high on the list of life-dreams. I can think of probably two people who get me through and through and one who gets me for the most part. I don’t know about one or two others, and there’s certainly one who is far too new to my world to determine how well he understands it. Even my own family isn’t on the list of people who get me. And that just kinda sucks.

As I’m starting this series of self-portraits on my insecurities (and others’ too, eventually, ’cause I’m going to run out of my own after three), I’m reminded of what is my biggest insecurity. It sounds overdramatic, yes, but I worry that people think I’m crazy. What do I mean by that? I fear that because many of the things I do require explanation, those who don’t hear the explanation think that I’m flighty, flaky, immature, or foolish. I know I’m not any of those things (though we all have our areas of immaturity and moments of foolishness), but I truly do worry that people see me that way. I don’t quite know what to do about it. (On a creative & positive note, the photo representation of this insecurity is going to be quite fantastic.)

Yes, it is a comfort that God understands every little detail of me. He even knows and understands the things that are buried deep within my heart of which I myself am unaware. Psalm 139 (below) talks about how well God knows us. It’s my absolute favorite psalm, probably because my desire to be deeply known is one of the closest to my heart. The first time I read it, I got the chills and I think I even cried. It was a crazy experience. I felt like God hand-selected it for me to read at that very moment. No matter how many times I read it, it always impacts me in a profound way. It says everything on my heart so perfectly that I feel as though I could have written it myself. I don’t have a Life Verse; I have this entire psalm.

Whenever I am faced with another example of just how badly I am misunderstood, after laughing and then sort of feeling like I could cry, I remind myself that God understands. He knows my every thought, and this strange sequence of events that is my life makes perfect sense to Him. And that is enough for me.

 1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
 2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
         You understand my thought afar off.
 3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
         And are acquainted with all my ways.
 4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
         But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
 5 You have hedged me behind and before,
         And laid Your hand upon me.
 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
         It is high, I cannot attain it.
         
 7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
         Or where can I flee from Your presence?
 8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
         If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
 9 If I take the wings of the morning,
         And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
 10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
         And Your right hand shall hold me.
 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
         Even the night shall be light about me;
 12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
         But the night shines as the day;
         The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
         
 13 For You formed my inward parts;
         You covered me in my mother’s womb.
 14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
         Marvelous are Your works,
         And that my soul knows very well.
 15 My frame was not hidden from You,
         When I was made in secret,
         And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
 16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
         And in Your book they all were written,
         The days fashioned for me,
         When as yet there were none of them.
         
 17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
         How great is the sum of them!
 18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
         When I awake, I am still with You.
         
 19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
         Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
 20 For they speak against You wickedly;
         Your enemies take Your name in vain.
 21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
         And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
 22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
         I count them my enemies.
         
 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
         Try me, and know my anxieties;
 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
         And lead me in the way everlasting.

Amen.