Of course, it is the middle of the night. My heart is so awake now, and my thoughts are zooming along on a path I wish to document. At night, or in the “wee” hours of the morning, life feels so epic- almost like a movie. I get these inexplicable feelings of adventure and grandness, of true love and an awesome, yet-to-be-unlocked potential. It is in these times I feel I can see everything clearly; I understand the gravity of all the elements of my life, and of God’s story for humanity. I wish I could capture this feeling and re-experience it at will, but alas, that will never be. I will wake up tomorrow feeling as normal as ever.

At this particular moment in time, I feel as though I’ve been given a glimpse into the “possible” future. Anything and everything is possible with God (Luke 18:27). If we simply trust Him with all that is within us, yield ourselves to His will, and put in whatever effort He asks of us, there is no reason why we should not have an incredible, adventurous life. So many people, it seems, get stuck at the very first step. They act as though trusting God too much will cause Him to fail them, which couldn’t be farther from the truth.

There have been plenty of times I’ve had to tell God I wasn’t ready to trust Him for something. Usually, I’m too afraid to let it go, give up control, and depend on Him to bring about the outcome He chooses. What if it’s different from the outcome I want? What will I do then?

In most of these times, I fight Him for ten to fifteen minutes, realize resistance is futile, and let Him have His way. They’re rather comical moments for us.

~*~

There is someone on my mind at this midnight hour. This someone is quite an amazing person, in my humble opinion. I feel that they could be an incredibly powerful vessel for Christ, that they could make such a huge impact in His name if they reached their full potential. At the moment, I can see one hinderance in their way: lack of direction. There is so little one can do without direction from God, except to wait.

Brian Kiley, our soon-to-be-former college pastor, gave a message on hope last year for Advent that really stuck with me. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but he made the point that the words “hope” and “wait” were essentially the same in the original language of the passage we were studying. Suddenly, I clearly saw the nature of waiting on the Lord for what it is: an attitude of expectancy, that at any moment, God is going to show up.

In March 2008, I was lamenting the fact that God was asking me to “wait” for something. It’s been one year and three months, and I’m still waiting. Since then, however, I have learned how to wait in hope, with the expectation of a fulfilled promise. I’m anything but an expert at waiting patiently, but I have definitely learned to wait in a much different and more productive way than that of the selfish fretting in which I used to engage.

I’ve been praying for this person on my mind, that God would direct them and guide them, giving them a vision for the ministry of their life. I greatly desire to see them used by God; I feel they have a fantastic journey ahead of them.

~*~

There is nothing more I want than to sit at Jesus’ feet and just be, and then to let my life simply tumble out as He would have it as a result of that. I want to start each day with fire in my heart, overflowing with passion and love that will propel me through the monotony of everyday and into the kingdom of God. I want to give up everything, even if it hurts, just so I can watch God move in mighty ways. I want to receive a vision for the work that He has prepared for me, and then stop at nothing to do it to the best of my ability, including Him every step of the way. I want to pray for people who will never know I did so, and sing songs to Jesus that no one else will ever hear. I want Him to break me down so that I can see my heart for what it truly is, and then tell me that He loves me ridiculously in spite of that.

In short, I want God. I want the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, unbridled and out of the box. And the best part about that is that He wants it too. No matter how weak I am, no matter how short I come up, He will fill in the gaps with His grace and give me His heart if I give Him mine. What a beautiful marriage that is! I truly can think of nothing better.