Accepting God’s Way

I haven’t written very many highly personal entries lately. This was a conscious decision: I wanted to make my blog less about me and more about God, which is the same thing I want for my life. I suppose, however, it is okay to write about my personal journey every once in a while. Thus, here I am.

Tonight has been a night of realizations. Essentially, I am conceding that I am willing to do a couple of specific things God’s way instead of mine. I’m willing to let go of one vision for my life and trade it for another.

I gave my testimony at ATS tonight, my church’s high school small groups night. I wanted to do it because I felt that God wanted to say something to one or more of the students through my story. I’ve only shared my testimony twice; the first time was at Seven24 (college group), the second time tonight. Both times, though the second was a bit better, I felt like I was babbling on and on and leaving out important things. My hands were shaking and I was bad at keeping eye contact with my audience. (I also broke down in tears in the middle, but that’s another story.) I am going to work on writing it out in a more concise, effective manner; however, the experience showed me something: I am not gifted in public speaking.

Lately I have been trying to work up a vision for my future, a bit of a general idea of what my ministry might look like one day. (I don’t make “plans” anymore, because God is really into changing them on me.) I thought that maybe I could be a college pastor someday. God told me to dream bigger, so that was my response. Well, tonight changed that. I felt it pretty clearly from Him that He does not intend to make me a traditional pastor of any kind. I may have the spiritual gift of shepherding, but I’m not cut out for being the one up front doing all the talking.

Another way in which I surrendered to God’s plan & timing tonight is with school. My goal is to get my BA in Music and then go to seminary for either an MDiv or an MA. I am so excited to go to seminary that I have been trying to rush my undergrad work as quickly as I can. Having no “technical” background in music, this is a difficult task. I’m going to be getting help on theory with one friend and coaching on vocals with another, but even with all that help and practice, I am beginning to realize that I will probably take longer getting my Bachelors than I would like. I think I’m going to be okay with that. I can’t cram as many pre-transfer music courses into a semester as I thought I could. God has called me to this degree, so I’m going to do it, no matter how hard it is. Instead of being focused solely on seminary, I’m going to start looking for what God would have for me now, while working on my BA.

So that’s just a little taste of where I’m at lately. I’m still not going to write about me that much, and I’m working on removing all the previous entries that focus on me-me-me. If I have some urgent prayer request or awesome praise report, you’ll probably hear about it, but other than that, I’m going to be relatively silent when it comes to my life.

Sleepless On My Birthday

I can’t sleep. It’s 1:48 AM on my birthday, November 21st. I’m nineteen now. Weird.

There are a couple of things I want to write about soon, namely ATS (my church’s high school small group ministry) and…something I can’t remember right now. But for now I suppose I’ll just ramble, seeing as I should be asleep anyway.

There are really only two things on my mind right now, one if I was being really truthful. There is singing tomorrow and there is something that shall be unnamed here. The unnamed thing is the only truthful thing on my mind. I’m really excited…

My three months are up at the end of December. I’ve gone through confusion, peace, bliss, pain, grief, weakness, elation, hope, numbness, anger, doubt, joy, and everything in between in the past two months. I’ve made plans and changed them; I’ve set goals and achieved them; I’ve taken risks and celebrated them. Everything has changed in these two months, and all for the better.

I’m giving my testimony at Overdrive this Sunday. Before these past two months I thought I totally had it all hammered out, but now…I don’t even know where to start. The problem is essentially, how the heck am I gonna fit everything God has done in my life into three minutes? And is it really supposed to be three minutes, or am I pulling that number out of nowhere?

God is really cool. In case you didn’t know that. Everyday He surprises me with something awesome. Today (or rather yesterday now) it was finding a major common thread with a friend, relating to her about an experience for which I’ve always felt I was crazy. If I am crazy, then my friend and I are crazy together. That’s a lot more comforting than being crazy alone.

That common thing is what is making me so excited, and it’s also the one truthful thing on my mind that I cannot talk about here. Hehe.

And now I feel like writing a poem to Jesus, but you can read it too.

I finally believe You now

What You’ve been saying all along.

I’m amazed by Your patience

And so thankful for this grace.

I’m wondering what You’ll do now

That I’ve opened my heart to this

And I hope it happens quickly

‘Cause I’m not sure how long I can wait.

You said You made me stubborn

And that there’s a reason for that.

You also made me “crazy”

And I’m now okay with it.

A better word is “passionate”

and I’m sure that too will serve You,

I’m excited to see the course of things

‘Cause You’re the greastest Storyteller around.

My poems may not be too great,

But I love that You don’t care.

Even if my harmonies are off-key

You still love to hear me sing.

God, mold my heart for Yours,

And bend my will to Thine.

Take everything You want from me,

I willingly offer it all.

For You are better than ice cream,

Your blessings more beautiful than the stars.

I can’t wait to sing for You tomorrow,

And till then I’ll love You in my dreams.

2:15 AM. I should try to sleep again. Goodnight, world.