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You may know, if you go to my church or college group, that our college pastor Brian Kiley had his last night with us this past Sunday. [You can read his blog post about it here.] That night I was working the tech booth (as I have been for a while now) running powerpoint. On the last song, I let myself think about the implications of Brian’s departure, and did my best to hold back the tears. Then I lost track of where we were in the song and forgot to go to the next slide, so my emotional moment thankfully ended. I avoided saying anything serious all night, because I knew that if I said something I would most likely break down.
A few minutes ago, while reading Brian’s post and seeing again the horribly sad picture of him sitting in the empty venue room on the stage (which perfectly encapsulates every aspect of this event), I cried again, as bitterly as I would have if I’d let myself on Sunday. I was somewhat surprised by the intensity of my sadness. It seemed there was a little something extra for which I was crying. Looking back at the picture and reading the comment before mine on the post told me what it was: the situation is a foreshadowing of what will happen to me one day. It’s happening to so many people, and I know one day I’ll experience it too. It’s the fact that I will one day have to leave New Song and venture out wherever God calls me. Yes, I’ll follow Him anywhere, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be heartbreak in doing so. It’ll be bittersweet, I’m sure, as the pain of leaving mixes with the excitement of a new adventure. I’ve wished more than once that I could just pick up whole cities and buildings and move them into my own newly assembled world. I would have moved Winnipeg to Oceanside back in 2007 if I could have. [If you're confused by that statement, read About the Writer.] When I leave Oceanside I know I’m going to want to take it with me, but alas, that will never be. Life changes; people move away. Bonds are broken as new ones are formed. The only consistency is Jesus.
I loved what Brian said about that on Sunday. I wrote it down word-for-word it was so awesome. He said, ” The leader of Seven24 has never been me; the leader is Jesus, and He’s not going anywhere.” I absolutely love that. He’s not going anywhere. What a comfort it is to know that our precious Beloved, our beautiful Savior, isn’t going anywhere. No matter where we go or who we leave behind, He will be there by our sides. He was with me when I left California in June 2006. He was with me when I left Winnipeg in June 2007. He was with me when I left my high school friends and church for New Song in November 2007. He was with me even after I left my mother and brother and my life-long love of ballet in October 2008. There is nothing that makes me think He won’t be with me when I leave New Song one day.
Brian has not only been an excellent pastor, he has been a great example of a man of God and a beloved part of our community. He’s on my list of favorite people, and he’s the one who God used to inspire me to go to seminary one day. In short, God has used Brian to shape my life as it is today, and I know He has used him in this way for many others as well. In the end, when making that change from one community to another, that is what matters. How did God use me to touch hearts and change lives in this place? Our pain is never worthless when we go through it for the kingdom of God.
Finally, I am alone in the office. This solitude is unusually enjoyable for me today. I’ve been trying to write coherently for what feels like weeks now. Each time I start expounding upon a thought, I hit a wall and save it as a draft. I deleted all but one of those drafts today.
Sometimes, emotions and states of being just can’t be put into words. I greatly dislike this, as I am one who goes about life trying to put everything into words; and if you can put those words to music, it’s even better. But now, there seem to be no words to perfectly capture the residence of my heart.
There are some things I could ponder here, things that perhaps need to be pondered, but I’m just not sure if I want to write about them.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about change, which, if you’re a part of New Song or Seven24, you’ll know has been sparked by all the changes happening around here. Change in life is inevitable. Our lives are not meant to be comfortable and perfect, especially not if we’re walking with Christ. But that’s just the thing. We’re walking with Christ. So in every uncomfortable, saddening change, He will still be there. He will still be our companion, our comfort, and our joy.
Last week Sydney helped me with my music fundamentals class. After I finished my quiz on rhythm notation, we talked about university and music programs and tranferring. She advised me not to go to the school I’ve been planning to attend, and instead suggested one in the LA area. Suddenly it was as though my whole new direction was crumbling. Questions for God flooded my mind and a fear of change arose.
I’ve had a few days to wrestle this idea of going to school in LA. I’m not scared anymore. God’s ways are so much higher than mine. I don’t know what He has in store for my future, not in the least. I have my vision and my direction, but I’ve surrendered it completely to God. He can do what He wants with me; the main character of my story isn’t me anyway (it’s Him).
Sometimes I get in these reckless states. I feel like I could go absolutely anywhere and do absolutely anything if God commanded me. I don’t actually do anything in these times, but if He asked me to, I wouldn’t question or hesitate for even a second. In these moments, my faith is so big that I don’t even know what to do with it. I think that’s kind of how I feel right now, at 5:00 PM on Monday, July 6th.
There is so much chaos in this world. In my life alone I know at least three people with enough problems to drive me insane, enough problems for me to want to give up on them. They seem so beyond change, beyond help, and yet God asks that we have faith that they can change, that they will change. I long for these people to turn their hearts toward Him, to give themselves fully to His incredible love, but I honestly have very little faith that it will happen.
Tonight at Celebrate Recovery (a ministry at my church that seeks to offer people freedom in Christ), Edwin gave his testimony. If you don’t know Edwin, let me just say that this guy is amazing. You can clearly see that he loves God with all that he has and is. He truly seeks to love as Christ does, and is possibly the best example of an imitator of Christ that I have ever seen. I was so excited to hear his testimony; rightfully so, as God proceeded to totally speak to me through it.
Edwin has been a Christian for only 5 years. Before he gave his life to God, anger constantly consumed his heart. He was prejudiced against everyone and always mean. But when God got a hold of him…he changed. Over time the Holy Spirit has turned him into a totally new creation, an unrecognizable person.
As I listened to Edwin’s story, I felt God telling me something. It’s possible, He said. I can change these people. I can change their hearts. You’re not the one changing them, I am. You’re just the instrument I’ve chosen. Immediately I knew He wanted me to hear Edwin’s story so that I could have hope for those people in my life. So that my prayers won’t be desperate and faithless. So that I can believe in miracles for them.
I get overwhelmed just thinking about the changes one person needs to undergo before they are a new creation in Christ. But just think, God has to think about everyone. All that chaos, all those hard hearts. But He’s God. He can do it. It’s not us and our “great witnessing” that changes people. It’s our obedience to let God include us on His Great Rescue of humanity in whichever way He chooses, so that He can move freely and do all the heart-changing.
And that’s just stinkin’ awesome.
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The Samson blog (Edwin & his wife Amy)
