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It is becoming increasingly evident that there are very few people who understand me. The world, my community, and many of my friends simply don’t get it. This is rather disheartening for someone whose desire to be known and understood ranks high on the list of life-dreams. I can think of probably two people who get me through and through and one who gets me for the most part. I don’t know about one or two others, and there’s certainly one who is far too new to my world to determine how well he understands it. Even my own family isn’t on the list of people who get me. And that just kinda sucks.
As I’m starting this series of self-portraits on my insecurities (and others’ too, eventually, ’cause I’m going to run out of my own after three), I’m reminded of what is my biggest insecurity. It sounds overdramatic, yes, but I worry that people think I’m crazy. What do I mean by that? I fear that because many of the things I do require explanation, those who don’t hear the explanation think that I’m flighty, flaky, immature, or foolish. I know I’m not any of those things (though we all have our areas of immaturity and moments of foolishness), but I truly do worry that people see me that way. I don’t quite know what to do about it. (On a creative & positive note, the photo representation of this insecurity is going to be quite fantastic.)
Yes, it is a comfort that God understands every little detail of me. He even knows and understands the things that are buried deep within my heart of which I myself am unaware. Psalm 139 (below) talks about how well God knows us. It’s my absolute favorite psalm, probably because my desire to be deeply known is one of the closest to my heart. The first time I read it, I got the chills and I think I even cried. It was a crazy experience. I felt like God hand-selected it for me to read at that very moment. No matter how many times I read it, it always impacts me in a profound way. It says everything on my heart so perfectly that I feel as though I could have written it myself. I don’t have a Life Verse; I have this entire psalm.
Whenever I am faced with another example of just how badly I am misunderstood, after laughing and then sort of feeling like I could cry, I remind myself that God understands. He knows my every thought, and this strange sequence of events that is my life makes perfect sense to Him. And that is enough for me.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
Amen.
Ministry sometimes feels exactly the way my mother thinks that it is. It sometimes feels like an excuse not to work hard, to just hang out all the time and take the “easy route.” Like, all I’m doing is talking to high schoolers, college students, and struggling people. All I’m doing is singing my lungs out on a stage. All I’m doing is stuffing programs, hanging stars on a tree, tidying the Venue room, making videos, programming songs. It’s all just fun and games; it’s not reality.
These thoughts have been starting to hassle me. They sneak up on me when I least expect it, and whisper in my ear, “What are you doing? Shouldn’t you be getting a degree that is actually truly necessary for a real job? Shouldn’t you be doing less hanging out and more working?” The sneaky little thoughts try to make me feel like I’m really making no difference in this world in which I exist. I start to feel like, really, it could be any girl with a half-decent voice up on that stage and the effect would be the same. I start to feel like anybody could lead a Celebrate Recovery open-share group. I start to feel totally and utterly replaceable.
And not only that, I start to feel like I’m not actually doing anything now that will see me into any kind of career in a year or so.
Lies. All of them, lies.
It’s not about what I’m doing; it’s about what God is choosing to do through me. I’m just His vessel, His channel through which He accomplishes His purposes amongst His people. And it should feel completely contrary to the “rational, normal” plan for life. It should feel like my goals and values are the total opposite of what they are “supposed” to be. Instead of working towards the American Dream of a nice house, car, career, husband, and two kids, I’m working for Love. Literally Love itself. God values odd things. He values eternal things. It’s not about the paycheck or security offered by the world. Jesus was (is) a crazy radical guy. What is important to Him looks like child’s play to the world. “What? You are saying that I should be investing in relationships more than a stable financial future? You’re saying that just hanging out with people could have eternal benefits? Are you nuts?”
In a conversation I had with God about two months ago, He tried to get me to understand His love. He told me I’d been ignoring Him and not taking His love seriously. When He elaborated by giving me a tiny peek at the size and strength of His love for me, I simply had to take Him at His word and accept the full extent of His love even though I couldn’t understand it. I told Him it was crazy and irrational, and then He interrupted me: Who says I’m rational?
Honestly, I would have no interest in a rational god. I would have no interest in a god whom I could understand, whose purposes made sense and were all plain before me. I would have no interest in a god who wasn’t crazy, who didn’t laugh at me sometimes, allow me to call him sneaky, and take me on a crazy ride of a life that makes everything completely new and utterly unrecognizable. I would have no interest in a god who couldn’t love harder than me, and who didn’t baffle me on a regular basis. I would have no interest in a god who gave me what I wanted when I wanted it, who wouldn’t make me wait for the biggest blessing ever to make it that much sweeter. I would have no interest in a god who couldn’t tell me no and who couldn’t allow me to go through pain for my own good. I would have no interest in a god who wouldn’t make me stubborn, hating some of the things he did for me.
That’s why I’m in love with a God who is insane. I’m in love with a God who pokes fun at me sometimes, who teases me and yet gently whispers promises to me. I’m in love with a God who won’t tell me everything, and yet when He does tell me He makes me wait for it until I feel like I’m going to explode. I’m in love with a God who talks to me even when I ramble on and on and really have no intention of stopping to listen to Him. I’m in love with a God who makes me wait when I beg Him to let me have it now. I’m in love with a God who gives me little kisses of bliss scattered over time as sneak peeks of the culmination.
Even as I pour my heart out to Him and tell Him how hard it is and that I feel so pathetic and impatient, He listens and stays with me. He doesn’t complain that I complain. He doesn’t get frustrated at my hard-headedness; in fact, He tells me He made me that way and that it will serves its purpose. Even as I begin to feel like I’m doing nothing by being in ministry, He waits by me and then reminds me that He isn’t that boring, rational god. His work is going to feel stupid sometimes- when I’m looking at it through the lense of the world. If it feels wrong in light of that good ol’ American Dream, then it’s exactly as it should be.
I have an overwhelming feeling tonight that I am exactly where God wants me- longing, impatient heart and all. I’m in just the right position to be instructed and to be obedient, to see major growth in those around me and to share in their joy as they discover Him. I’m beginning to walk through a God-thing with a dear friend, and I’m so thankful He placed this event in each of our lives at the same time. In my plan, I wouldn’t have to wait for much of anything. In God’s plan, things only get dragged out so that they can be greater than we could ever ask or imagine.
I’m so glad God is who He is.
