Dreams are Coming True at this Very Moment

I PROMISE the next posts I write after this will be Saturday, Sunday, and Monday of Briefing 09.

Something is happening to me. It’s sneaking up on me in the most peculiar way. I’m beginning to write songs in my head all the time. I’ll just think of a topic and start singing in my head to a melody that unfolds with each new word that comes to me.

This is an answer to prayer.

I’ve written songs on and off in the past but never had to capability of putting them to an instrument. Now I’m not letting my lack of knowledge or skill with the guitar hold me back; I’m going to write as many songs with G, C, D, Em, A, and Am as I can until I’m absolutely sick of those chords and never want to play them again. And then I’ll put a capo on and write some more.

I mentioned earlier in the week that God totally messed up my plans for my first EP. Part of that messing-up involves the very exciting fact that I won’t be doing all covers on it. It’ll be all my own songs. I’ve written 2 songs since Forest Home and probably have 8 more percolating in my brain. Most of what I will write will not end up on the EP, but my favorites will. I’ll make Youtube videos of the rejects. The good rejects, at least. (Speaking of Youtube videos, soon I’ll be covering Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” and Howie Day’s “Collide.”) It won’t all be worship music, and it won’t all be Christian music (gasp!). Some will be crossover (think Switchfoot songs & Future of Forestry’s “If You Find Her”).

Also, last night I played one of my worship songs at a service for the first time. It was my IHOP-style prayer song, and it was well-received! Praise God. A girl at the service apparently really enjoyed it because she came to me afterwards, and after telling me how beautiful it was and that I was really good (made my heart soar! encouragement is so needed for musicians), she told me she does graphics and album artwork for bands and would love to help me out with my EP! I’m excited to connect with her and see her work.

I can’t believe this is really happening!!! God is too good.

What I would do for God if I knew I could not fail

I wrote recently about trying to answer a big question: What would you do for God if you knew you could not fail? When I began contemplating this, I had no idea how to answer it. For 19 years the biggest dream of my life was to become a principal dancer with a top 10 ballet company. When that faded away, all I had left was the desire to let myself be used to further the kingdom of God. In what way, I didn’t know. About a year & a half after I made that commitment, it is beginning to become clear.

I have always been an artistic person. It started in utero: I was constantly listening to classical music as my pregnant mother taught ballet classes in her studio, and that soundtrack continued from birth to age 19. When I was little I made up stories everyday, often setting them as plays with my younger brother. I started singing as soon I as figured out that voices could make music, and was performing in song & dance for any willing audience I could find. I indulged in every craft you can think of: beading, sewing, painting, drawing, knitting, baking, crochet, photography, stamping, card-making, candle-making, soap-making.  Ballet consumed my world up until last year. My heart & soul indulged without restraint in every aspect of the art: the physical manifestation of the language of the heart, the music in which one loses oneself (the very definition of performing), the act of bringing to life an imaginary character and inviting the audience to share in that person’s experience. I have never been about science, or math, or history. I have trouble sitting still for long periods of time & I can never force myself to do something against the will of my heart.

I have always had a dream, deep down, to be a singer-songwriter. Even as a dancer, I wanted badly to be a musician. I took piano & violin lessons in elementary school and did choir in junior high, and of course always sang with whatever music happened to be playing, but ballet took precedence over everything, so I never voiced this apparent pipe-dream to anyone.

Now, it seems God is calling me into the music business. And I’m not talking the Christian music industry or the church. I’m talking about THE music business. The one the world likes.

At first I thought I must be wrong; it had to simply be my fleshly desire to be in the spotlight, right? But then it kept coming back as the strongest passion in my life, and I kept looking for reasons to deny it. I said things like, That’s not a ministry; I’m called to ministry, so I’m supposed to work in a church, and, I’m supposed to deny myself & follow God, so I’m going to deny this desire, and, If God does want me in music, He’s going to call me into the Christian music business. But it was wrong, all so wrong.

First, I saw a Melody Green article about Christians artists being salt in the world’s media arts industry. Then I started reading Heart of the Artist by Rory Noland, and he advised musicians to either be in the world’s music industry or in the church, but to avoid the Christian music industry. I have to admit, this freaked me out. Instead of beginning to think that maybe my desire to be a Christian-secular musician was not a bunch of nonsense, I panicked. I wondered how it would be possible to “season” an industry that is so drenched in godlessness in a way that would actually make a difference. A hundred questions ran through my mind, until finally, God silenced them.

A week ago I surrendered to my answer to the question. What would I do for God if I knew I could not fail? I would be a professional musician. A week ago I thought that meant being in a gospel-driven worship/outreach band because I was too scared to follow my heart and think outside the box. Now I am pretty sure it means being a singer-songwriter similar to Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles, or Regina Spektor, the only difference being that my love for Jesus will define my art & my heart.

So there you have it. Despite all the doubts, fears, and perfectionistic objections I may have, I’m going to pursue a career as a musician. I don’t need criticism from anyone because I give myself enough of that as it is, but I will gratefully accept support from anyone willing to give it. If you would like to support me, you can start by watching my latest Youtube video, which I will be placing in my next post!

Post-Retreat Reflections (or, several long ramblings that would be better served with each having its own post)

It’s 11:23 PM, and I just got home from the youth ministry coaches retreat. Or rather, I just got home from helping my friend Jessica paint awesome red stripes in her bathroom, and it so happens that I haven’t been home since yesterday when I left for the retreat. My room smells like chai thanks to the empty tea cup I left on my nightstand. There are so many things on my heart and mind, and though I want to discuss them all right now, I will probably write separate posts for each topic later in the week.

I’m sitting cross-legged on my bed, the breeze from the ceiling fan falling gently on me as I survey the chaos that is my room. It’s less chaotic than usual, which is encouraging, but after getting overly enthusiastic about decorating as a result of helping Jess, all I see is the work that needs to be done. Fold the clothes, reorganize the desk, clear the nightstand, put the bins into storage, paint the walls, put up the curtains, hang some pictures, get the clothes off the piano, hang the chandelier, decide on a color scheme, re-collage the closet doors, move the bed to make room for the art corner… Yes, there is much to be done. But for now, this will have to suffice.

I’m lately reading The Heart of the Artist by Rory Noland, and it has thus far been phenomenal. Everything he says about the artist’s temperment is exactly me (except the introverted part, though I used to be), thus all that he says to help remedy our artistic character flaws has been hitting home big-time. It’s convicting and refreshing, and I am eager to implement what God is showing me. I think I’ll write a series of posts on this topic, so I’ll leave it at that for now.

On August 7th through 9th I went on our student leaders retreat, and yesterday & today I was on our coaches retreat, as I said above. Both of these retreats took place in vacation houses belonging to generous families in our church and included ten to fifteen people. In both of these retreats, my lasting impression has been what I see as a tangible piece of a dream I’ve had for about a year now. Sometime in the next four years, or before I get married (whichever comes first), I want to live in a commune. I know it may sound a little wacky, so allow me to explain. I want to rent a house with four rooms and split the cost with seven other people, three other girls and four guys. We would set up ground rules including things like sharing meals & cooking responsibilities, having a sort of community financial pot, and no opposite sexes in each other’s room (because we need to be above reproach). We could have worship & prayer times together, and “family nights” where we play board games or watch movies. I’m getting excited just thinking about it! Which means it’s time to move on.

I have finally admitted to myself as of Wednesday, August 19th, that I want more than anything (besides Jesus) to pursue music with all of my heart and become the best musician I can possibly be. This has been a dream of mine probably all my life, but because I was on my way to becoming a professional ballet dancer for 17 years, it was more of a pipe-dream that I thought about sporadically. I never thought I’d get an opportunity to actually make it happen. When I began singing with the college worship band last summer, I was far too afraid to admit that I wanted to become a worship leader because I still thought it would never happpen. I could just hear all the criticism I would receive: you don’t play an instrument, you don’t know anything about music, you really can’t sing that well, how dare you assume you could be a worship leader, you just want to be in the spotlight, etc. But now I am a worship leader (to my utter amazement every single day) and I haven’t yet heard any of this criticism. In fact, I’ve heard the opposite. I’ve been told I have a beautiful voice. I’ve been told I have good intuition with a guitar. I’ve been told it’s pretty impressive that when I play a song on guitar for the first time, I can simultaneously sing it. Apparently, I have a little bit of talent for this music thing. So I am not going to be afraid any longer. If I was brave enough as a dancer to declare that I wanted to be a principal with one of the top ten companies in the world (such an audacious statement!), then I cannot sit back and pretend that I do not want to make music my life. I do. And I will.

Thus, plans and visions are thundering forth from my mind, and I cannot stop thinking about all I want to accomplish. I want to play (and master) so many instruments: piano, blues/classic electric guitar, harmonica, ukelele, bass, drums, violin, cello, harp. I want to write hundreds of songs, some that I’ll hate, some I’ll tolerate, and a few I’ll love. I want to make solo albums of acoustic worship songs and others of acoustic indie songs about love and life. I want to be in a band that is committed to advancing the gospel and glorifying the name of God (while giving no honor to ourselves), and I have a few exciting ideas for ways we can do that.

But in all of this, I want not to be known for being a musician. If I am known at all (though I desire no fame), I want to be first thought of as a lover of Christ, and secondly as a musician. As I read this morning in John 3:30, “He must increase, and I must decrease.” Pride seems to be the “thorn in my flesh” as Paul would say, and so I must do all I can to combat it and lift the name of Jesus.

It’s now 12:28 AM, and I have to be at the church at 7:50 AM for rehearsal with the band, so I had better get some rest. Praise God that I’m less sick now and my voice is back! Tomorrow morning’s services will be much less gross feeling than Thursday’s vocal rehearsal. On Monday I will write again. There will be much to say.