You are currently browsing the tag archive for the 'fear' tag.
Finally, I am alone in the office. This solitude is unusually enjoyable for me today. I’ve been trying to write coherently for what feels like weeks now. Each time I start expounding upon a thought, I hit a wall and save it as a draft. I deleted all but one of those drafts today.
Sometimes, emotions and states of being just can’t be put into words. I greatly dislike this, as I am one who goes about life trying to put everything into words; and if you can put those words to music, it’s even better. But now, there seem to be no words to perfectly capture the residence of my heart.
There are some things I could ponder here, things that perhaps need to be pondered, but I’m just not sure if I want to write about them.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about change, which, if you’re a part of New Song or Seven24, you’ll know has been sparked by all the changes happening around here. Change in life is inevitable. Our lives are not meant to be comfortable and perfect, especially not if we’re walking with Christ. But that’s just the thing. We’re walking with Christ. So in every uncomfortable, saddening change, He will still be there. He will still be our companion, our comfort, and our joy.
Last week Sydney helped me with my music fundamentals class. After I finished my quiz on rhythm notation, we talked about university and music programs and tranferring. She advised me not to go to the school I’ve been planning to attend, and instead suggested one in the LA area. Suddenly it was as though my whole new direction was crumbling. Questions for God flooded my mind and a fear of change arose.
I’ve had a few days to wrestle this idea of going to school in LA. I’m not scared anymore. God’s ways are so much higher than mine. I don’t know what He has in store for my future, not in the least. I have my vision and my direction, but I’ve surrendered it completely to God. He can do what He wants with me; the main character of my story isn’t me anyway (it’s Him).
Sometimes I get in these reckless states. I feel like I could go absolutely anywhere and do absolutely anything if God commanded me. I don’t actually do anything in these times, but if He asked me to, I wouldn’t question or hesitate for even a second. In these moments, my faith is so big that I don’t even know what to do with it. I think that’s kind of how I feel right now, at 5:00 PM on Monday, July 6th.
Little pangs of fear have been surfacing lately, usually at the prompting of text messages from my mother.
What if I’m wrong? they say.
What if I was supposed to keep dancing, and pursue a “real” career? the random thoughts suggest.
And then, You appear.
Suddenly it’s as if You put Your hand on my racing heart and steadied it to a slow, even pace. I am okay. I am right where You want me. I have indeed been listening to You properly, and everything that I am focusing on is real and meaningful. I didn’t create a fantasy life because I didn’t like the looks of my responsibilities; I listened when You called me to do some scary things.
I’m not holding out for a silly dream; I’m having faith in Your promises. I’m not working for a pointless goal; I’m devoting my life to an eternal cause. I’m not throwing away my talent; I’m freeing my heart to be more passionate in other areas.
I’m right where You want me. And that is all I need to know to give me peace.
