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You may know, if you go to my church or college group, that our college pastor Brian Kiley had his last night with us this past Sunday. [You can read his blog post about it here.] That night I was working the tech booth (as I have been for a while now) running powerpoint. On the last song, I let myself think about the implications of Brian’s departure, and did my best to hold back the tears. Then I lost track of where we were in the song and forgot to go to the next slide, so my emotional moment thankfully ended. I avoided saying anything serious all night, because I knew that if I said something I would most likely break down.
A few minutes ago, while reading Brian’s post and seeing again the horribly sad picture of him sitting in the empty venue room on the stage (which perfectly encapsulates every aspect of this event), I cried again, as bitterly as I would have if I’d let myself on Sunday. I was somewhat surprised by the intensity of my sadness. It seemed there was a little something extra for which I was crying. Looking back at the picture and reading the comment before mine on the post told me what it was: the situation is a foreshadowing of what will happen to me one day. It’s happening to so many people, and I know one day I’ll experience it too. It’s the fact that I will one day have to leave New Song and venture out wherever God calls me. Yes, I’ll follow Him anywhere, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be heartbreak in doing so. It’ll be bittersweet, I’m sure, as the pain of leaving mixes with the excitement of a new adventure. I’ve wished more than once that I could just pick up whole cities and buildings and move them into my own newly assembled world. I would have moved Winnipeg to Oceanside back in 2007 if I could have. [If you're confused by that statement, read About the Writer.] When I leave Oceanside I know I’m going to want to take it with me, but alas, that will never be. Life changes; people move away. Bonds are broken as new ones are formed. The only consistency is Jesus.
I loved what Brian said about that on Sunday. I wrote it down word-for-word it was so awesome. He said, ” The leader of Seven24 has never been me; the leader is Jesus, and He’s not going anywhere.” I absolutely love that. He’s not going anywhere. What a comfort it is to know that our precious Beloved, our beautiful Savior, isn’t going anywhere. No matter where we go or who we leave behind, He will be there by our sides. He was with me when I left California in June 2006. He was with me when I left Winnipeg in June 2007. He was with me when I left my high school friends and church for New Song in November 2007. He was with me even after I left my mother and brother and my life-long love of ballet in October 2008. There is nothing that makes me think He won’t be with me when I leave New Song one day.
Brian has not only been an excellent pastor, he has been a great example of a man of God and a beloved part of our community. He’s on my list of favorite people, and he’s the one who God used to inspire me to go to seminary one day. In short, God has used Brian to shape my life as it is today, and I know He has used him in this way for many others as well. In the end, when making that change from one community to another, that is what matters. How did God use me to touch hearts and change lives in this place? Our pain is never worthless when we go through it for the kingdom of God.
I can’t even tell you how much I am in love with the kingdom of God. Every time I talk about it, I bubble over with excitement. I start talking faster and faster, and my ears heat up and turn red, and sometimes my hands even shake. Today I even started crying. The kingdom of God does weird things to me.
I have learned so many things and grown in so many ways in the past week. I can’t even begin to attempt to share it all with you. God’s been weeding things out of my life lately, more than ever before you might say. He silenced the Enemy’s voice in my mind last week and gave me tools to combat it in the future. He healed a very tender open wound and purified my heart of any of its ugly remains. He removed my feelings of urgent frustration over an extremely difficult relationship. He reassured me that my basic needs will always be met. He revealed a couple of next steps in His plans for my life. He gave me confidence in my decision to stop being anxious for a romantic relationship and instead wait for Him to arrange it. He essentially took all the junk that’s been crowding my head and heart, boxed it up, and threw it in the spiritual woodchipper.
Now, to fill the empty spaces the junk once occupied, He is teaching me constantly. Lessons like the value of accountability and what it means to FULLY trust Him. I’m learning the simplicity and importance of casting all my anxieties on Him and what my identity as His daughter means. He’s beginning to show me what the scope of the ministry He has prepared for me is. He is asking me to give Him more: more trust, more faith, more love, more sacrifice, more worship. He is asking me to expect Him to show up everywhere, to expect Him to do miracles around me. He is asking me to set my eyes on Him and forget that peripheral vision exists. It’s exactly like the song (as of course I relate everything to one song or another):
The cross before me, the world behind; no turning back, raise the banner high! It’s not for us; it’s all for You.
That is the perfect picture of my life at this moment. I long for it to always be the perfect picture of my life. There is nothing else worth gazing at but the cross. I have not a single urge to look back and even consider what things would be like had I not chosen to accept this calling, had I never written “COUNT ME IN!!!” on my bedroom wall. Any beauty that my heart reflects, any wisdom that passes my lips, any love that flows forth from me, is all because of Jesus. None of that is Courtney. I absolutely love that fact. Dying to self is an incredible experience. Each time I surrender another part of me to Him, He grows my maturity, and suddenly I am producing His fruit. It’s a beautiful gift; He rewards us for our submission by making us look more and more like Him. There is no way we can lay any claim to that kind of character, because it isn’t us. It’s God in us! How awesome is that? The God of the Universe wants to be reflected in us!
My life has taken its craziest turns in the past 3 years. I graduated high school at the tender age of 16. I moved to Canada all by myself and lived there for a year. I danced among some of the greatest professional ballet dancers in the world. I returned home with a severe injury. I started college (something I literally thought would NEVER happen). I finally fell in love with Jesus. I discovered Christ-centered friendships and the importance and beauty of church. I stopped talking to my dad for 8 months. I received a call to full-time ministry. I changed my major a hundred times (or so it seemed). My relationship with my dad was miraculously redeemed. I moved out of my mother’s house (much to her chagrin) and into my father’s. I stopped dancing for the first time in 16 and a half years. I quit school and then decided to go back.
And then there were the firsts. I was surrounded by all non-Christians for the first time. I experienced truly having more than just a “crush” on a guy and then got rejected, big time. I flew internationally by myself multiple times. I didn’t dance for six months. I didn’t guard my heart and fell in love. I began to rebel against my mother. I got asked out on a date for the first time and then it never happened. I was at the heart of a major “drama.” I dated someone. I dyed my hair and got my nose pierced. I became a night owl. I miraculously got over my first love. I knowingly hurt a friend deeply. I dated someone again. I got a piece of my heart broken.
Through all of these events, I could have been completely broken. I could have lost my way and gotten caught up in the rollercoaster of action that seemed to be the new normal for me. Instead, God moved. He gave me a gift of faith, and that is the only way that my relationship with Him is where it is. He used each one of the things to refine me and grow me- even the blatant mistakes! He redeemed all of it. On top of that, I have come through all of that chaos peaceful and assured of God’s plan more than ever before. I am so in awe of Him that I hardly have anything else to say. My only hope and prayer is that someone reading this will begin to believe in His power for their life as well! There is power in testimony.
(Again with the songs) There have been 2 songs that have struck me as perfect descriptions of my life. The first is “I Will Waste My Life” by Misty Edwards. Word for word, I could have written that song. It is my experience and my heart. The second is “I Don’t Regret” by Barlow Girl. Again, a song I could have written. I don’t think there is any better way to convey everything I’ve been trying to say to you than for you to simply listen to these, so I’ll close with this (couldn’t find the Barlow Girl one anywhere, sorry):
Ahhh it makes me so emotional! :)
