You are currently browsing the tag archive for the 'patience' tag.
Of course, it is the middle of the night. My heart is so awake now, and my thoughts are zooming along on a path I wish to document. At night, or in the “wee” hours of the morning, life feels so epic- almost like a movie. I get these inexplicable feelings of adventure and grandness, of true love and an awesome, yet-to-be-unlocked potential. It is in these times I feel I can see everything clearly; I understand the gravity of all the elements of my life, and of God’s story for humanity. I wish I could capture this feeling and re-experience it at will, but alas, that will never be. I will wake up tomorrow feeling as normal as ever.
At this particular moment in time, I feel as though I’ve been given a glimpse into the “possible” future. Anything and everything is possible with God (Luke 18:27). If we simply trust Him with all that is within us, yield ourselves to His will, and put in whatever effort He asks of us, there is no reason why we should not have an incredible, adventurous life. So many people, it seems, get stuck at the very first step. They act as though trusting God too much will cause Him to fail them, which couldn’t be farther from the truth.
There have been plenty of times I’ve had to tell God I wasn’t ready to trust Him for something. Usually, I’m too afraid to let it go, give up control, and depend on Him to bring about the outcome He chooses. What if it’s different from the outcome I want? What will I do then?
In most of these times, I fight Him for ten to fifteen minutes, realize resistance is futile, and let Him have His way. They’re rather comical moments for us.
~*~
There is someone on my mind at this midnight hour. This someone is quite an amazing person, in my humble opinion. I feel that they could be an incredibly powerful vessel for Christ, that they could make such a huge impact in His name if they reached their full potential. At the moment, I can see one hinderance in their way: lack of direction. There is so little one can do without direction from God, except to wait.
Brian Kiley, our soon-to-be-former college pastor, gave a message on hope last year for Advent that really stuck with me. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but he made the point that the words “hope” and “wait” were essentially the same in the original language of the passage we were studying. Suddenly, I clearly saw the nature of waiting on the Lord for what it is: an attitude of expectancy, that at any moment, God is going to show up.
In March 2008, I was lamenting the fact that God was asking me to “wait” for something. It’s been one year and three months, and I’m still waiting. Since then, however, I have learned how to wait in hope, with the expectation of a fulfilled promise. I’m anything but an expert at waiting patiently, but I have definitely learned to wait in a much different and more productive way than that of the selfish fretting in which I used to engage.
I’ve been praying for this person on my mind, that God would direct them and guide them, giving them a vision for the ministry of their life. I greatly desire to see them used by God; I feel they have a fantastic journey ahead of them.
~*~
There is nothing more I want than to sit at Jesus’ feet and just be, and then to let my life simply tumble out as He would have it as a result of that. I want to start each day with fire in my heart, overflowing with passion and love that will propel me through the monotony of everyday and into the kingdom of God. I want to give up everything, even if it hurts, just so I can watch God move in mighty ways. I want to receive a vision for the work that He has prepared for me, and then stop at nothing to do it to the best of my ability, including Him every step of the way. I want to pray for people who will never know I did so, and sing songs to Jesus that no one else will ever hear. I want Him to break me down so that I can see my heart for what it truly is, and then tell me that He loves me ridiculously in spite of that.
In short, I want God. I want the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, unbridled and out of the box. And the best part about that is that He wants it too. No matter how weak I am, no matter how short I come up, He will fill in the gaps with His grace and give me His heart if I give Him mine. What a beautiful marriage that is! I truly can think of nothing better.
This just spoke directly to me. I mean, directly.
“When we are in doubt or difficulty, when many voices urge this course or the other, when prudence utters one advice and faith another, then let us be still, hushing each intruder, calming ourselves in the sacred hush of God’s presence; let us study His Word in the attitude of devout attention; let us lift up our nature into the pure light of His face, eager only to know what God the Lord shall determine–and ere long a very distinct impression will be made, the unmistakable forth-telling of His secret counsel.
It is not wise in the earlier stages of Christian life to depend on this alone, but to wait for the corroboration of circumstances. But those who have had many dealings with God know well the value of secret fellowship with Him, to ascertain His will.
Are you in difficulty about your way? Go to God with your question; get direction from the light of His smile or the cloud of His refusal.
If you will only get alone, where the lights and shadows of earth cannot interfere, where human opinions fail to reach and if you will dare to wait there silent and expectant, though all around you insist on immediate decision or action–the will of God will be made clear; and you will have a new conception of God, a deeper insight into His nature and heart of love, which shall be for yourself alone a rapturous experience, to abide your precious perquisite forever, the rich guerdon of those long waiting hours.” -Streams in the Desert
Ministry sometimes feels exactly the way my mother thinks that it is. It sometimes feels like an excuse not to work hard, to just hang out all the time and take the “easy route.” Like, all I’m doing is talking to high schoolers, college students, and struggling people. All I’m doing is singing my lungs out on a stage. All I’m doing is stuffing programs, hanging stars on a tree, tidying the Venue room, making videos, programming songs. It’s all just fun and games; it’s not reality.
These thoughts have been starting to hassle me. They sneak up on me when I least expect it, and whisper in my ear, “What are you doing? Shouldn’t you be getting a degree that is actually truly necessary for a real job? Shouldn’t you be doing less hanging out and more working?” The sneaky little thoughts try to make me feel like I’m really making no difference in this world in which I exist. I start to feel like, really, it could be any girl with a half-decent voice up on that stage and the effect would be the same. I start to feel like anybody could lead a Celebrate Recovery open-share group. I start to feel totally and utterly replaceable.
And not only that, I start to feel like I’m not actually doing anything now that will see me into any kind of career in a year or so.
Lies. All of them, lies.
It’s not about what I’m doing; it’s about what God is choosing to do through me. I’m just His vessel, His channel through which He accomplishes His purposes amongst His people. And it should feel completely contrary to the “rational, normal” plan for life. It should feel like my goals and values are the total opposite of what they are “supposed” to be. Instead of working towards the American Dream of a nice house, car, career, husband, and two kids, I’m working for Love. Literally Love itself. God values odd things. He values eternal things. It’s not about the paycheck or security offered by the world. Jesus was (is) a crazy radical guy. What is important to Him looks like child’s play to the world. “What? You are saying that I should be investing in relationships more than a stable financial future? You’re saying that just hanging out with people could have eternal benefits? Are you nuts?”
In a conversation I had with God about two months ago, He tried to get me to understand His love. He told me I’d been ignoring Him and not taking His love seriously. When He elaborated by giving me a tiny peek at the size and strength of His love for me, I simply had to take Him at His word and accept the full extent of His love even though I couldn’t understand it. I told Him it was crazy and irrational, and then He interrupted me: Who says I’m rational?
Honestly, I would have no interest in a rational god. I would have no interest in a god whom I could understand, whose purposes made sense and were all plain before me. I would have no interest in a god who wasn’t crazy, who didn’t laugh at me sometimes, allow me to call him sneaky, and take me on a crazy ride of a life that makes everything completely new and utterly unrecognizable. I would have no interest in a god who couldn’t love harder than me, and who didn’t baffle me on a regular basis. I would have no interest in a god who gave me what I wanted when I wanted it, who wouldn’t make me wait for the biggest blessing ever to make it that much sweeter. I would have no interest in a god who couldn’t tell me no and who couldn’t allow me to go through pain for my own good. I would have no interest in a god who wouldn’t make me stubborn, hating some of the things he did for me.
That’s why I’m in love with a God who is insane. I’m in love with a God who pokes fun at me sometimes, who teases me and yet gently whispers promises to me. I’m in love with a God who won’t tell me everything, and yet when He does tell me He makes me wait for it until I feel like I’m going to explode. I’m in love with a God who talks to me even when I ramble on and on and really have no intention of stopping to listen to Him. I’m in love with a God who makes me wait when I beg Him to let me have it now. I’m in love with a God who gives me little kisses of bliss scattered over time as sneak peeks of the culmination.
Even as I pour my heart out to Him and tell Him how hard it is and that I feel so pathetic and impatient, He listens and stays with me. He doesn’t complain that I complain. He doesn’t get frustrated at my hard-headedness; in fact, He tells me He made me that way and that it will serves its purpose. Even as I begin to feel like I’m doing nothing by being in ministry, He waits by me and then reminds me that He isn’t that boring, rational god. His work is going to feel stupid sometimes- when I’m looking at it through the lense of the world. If it feels wrong in light of that good ol’ American Dream, then it’s exactly as it should be.
I have an overwhelming feeling tonight that I am exactly where God wants me- longing, impatient heart and all. I’m in just the right position to be instructed and to be obedient, to see major growth in those around me and to share in their joy as they discover Him. I’m beginning to walk through a God-thing with a dear friend, and I’m so thankful He placed this event in each of our lives at the same time. In my plan, I wouldn’t have to wait for much of anything. In God’s plan, things only get dragged out so that they can be greater than we could ever ask or imagine.
I’m so glad God is who He is.
