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I’ve said before that poetry is an art-form near to my heart, that it helps me express myself clearly and effectively when I feel strongly about something. Well, I just wrote a poem. Hopefully, this poem will live up to its purpose. I needed closure on something that’s been going on in my life this year. It pretty much began in January, and it’s been breaking me down the last month and a half or so. I really can’t take it anymore. It was part of the reason I wanted to move to San Francisco- to escape it. But alas, I can’t escape it by running away. God wants me here in Oceanside, thus I must face it head on and choose everyday to be done with it. I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive and let it all go, but I know that I must. How dare I hold onto unforgiveness when God has forgiven me of everything I have done and will do against him! Compared to my offenses against Him, this one against me is nothing.
I thought I was done with it on Saturday night. I was up till 3 AM praying and reading my Bible (not the whole time, I had watched SNL too). I felt a tug on my heart to forgive, so I followed it- or so I thought. I woke up Sunday morning crying, because I had just been dreaming of the offense and was feeling the pain all over again. All of Sunday I held onto that unforgiveness again. I was simply honest before God. I know I have to forgive, and I really want to! But I just can’t. Not now, I told Him.
Monday night I realized that it was a choice. I realized I’ve been letting my emotions take me for a wild ride; back and forth, I’m over it I’m not, again and again, and if I’m ever going to let it go, I have to choose to do so. Even if that means choosing forgiveness one hundred times a day.
So today, I wrote a poem. I listed the facts, I reached my conclusion. I have to forgive, because I am called to do so. I have to forgive, because I cannot allow Satan a foothold in my heart. I have to forgive, because I can’t take the pain any longer.
The person I am forgiving probably wouldn’t know who they were if they read this. That’s ok. I don’t need to tell them they’re forgiven. They might even get upset if I did so because they probably don’t even think they did anything wrong. It’s more between God and I than anything else.
I urge you, if there is anyone you are holding a grudge against, anyone who has hurt you and you haven’t let it go, FORGIVE THEM. Yes, it’s hard, it’s sometimes the absolute hardest option there is. But it is the only option if we want to walk away in freedom.
I can’t sleep. It’s 1:48 AM on my birthday, November 21st. I’m nineteen now. Weird.
There are a couple of things I want to write about soon, namely ATS (my church’s high school small group ministry) and…something I can’t remember right now. But for now I suppose I’ll just ramble, seeing as I should be asleep anyway.
There are really only two things on my mind right now, one if I was being really truthful. There is singing tomorrow and there is something that shall be unnamed here. The unnamed thing is the only truthful thing on my mind. I’m really excited…
My three months are up at the end of December. I’ve gone through confusion, peace, bliss, pain, grief, weakness, elation, hope, numbness, anger, doubt, joy, and everything in between in the past two months. I’ve made plans and changed them; I’ve set goals and achieved them; I’ve taken risks and celebrated them. Everything has changed in these two months, and all for the better.
I’m giving my testimony at Overdrive this Sunday. Before these past two months I thought I totally had it all hammered out, but now…I don’t even know where to start. The problem is essentially, how the heck am I gonna fit everything God has done in my life into three minutes? And is it really supposed to be three minutes, or am I pulling that number out of nowhere?
God is really cool. In case you didn’t know that. Everyday He surprises me with something awesome. Today (or rather yesterday now) it was finding a major common thread with a friend, relating to her about an experience for which I’ve always felt I was crazy. If I am crazy, then my friend and I are crazy together. That’s a lot more comforting than being crazy alone.
That common thing is what is making me so excited, and it’s also the one truthful thing on my mind that I cannot talk about here. Hehe.
And now I feel like writing a poem to Jesus, but you can read it too.
I finally believe You now
What You’ve been saying all along.
I’m amazed by Your patience
And so thankful for this grace.
I’m wondering what You’ll do now
That I’ve opened my heart to this
And I hope it happens quickly
‘Cause I’m not sure how long I can wait.
You said You made me stubborn
And that there’s a reason for that.
You also made me “crazy”
And I’m now okay with it.
A better word is “passionate”
and I’m sure that too will serve You,
I’m excited to see the course of things
‘Cause You’re the greastest Storyteller around.
My poems may not be too great,
But I love that You don’t care.
Even if my harmonies are off-key
You still love to hear me sing.
God, mold my heart for Yours,
And bend my will to Thine.
Take everything You want from me,
I willingly offer it all.
For You are better than ice cream,
Your blessings more beautiful than the stars.
I can’t wait to sing for You tomorrow,
And till then I’ll love You in my dreams.
2:15 AM. I should try to sleep again. Goodnight, world.
Monday, June 30, 2008- Standing at the railing of the pier, gazing out over the beautiful blue ocean…
Truly You do know me; deeply You understand my soul. Anything mysterious to me is plain before You. My own ways I cannot fathom, yet You know my thoughts before they are formed.
Oh, how I long for You! To experience Your fullness would surely burst my heart. Show me the unseen You have hidden in this world. Lead me to Your treasures; I want to know Your heart.
I will never cease to praise You for Your work. Just one day with You is more than I could ever repay.
Lord, to think that I have captured Your heart! that You delight in me! There is nothing more baffling. May my days be gifts to You; may they bless Your heart and bring You joy. I have not much to give, but all that I have I give fully to You.
I want to shout You from the rooftops! Let all creation praise Your name! Let all Your people sing of Your love, for You are love! You abound in mercy; grace flows from Your right hand. You cover me through my trials; You let not my heart be harmed.
Let the work of my hands and words of my mouth be pleasing in Your sight. Let my very essence be of You. You are my desire, my highest aim. I cannot fathom even Your shadow, yet all I know is You.
Consume my heart, my mind, my soul. Be all that I need, oh God, my Love. Shine in me; replace my flesh. Reach Your children through this vessel.
I will never cease to praise You; Jesus, all I am is Yours! My soul longs for You, crying out desperately every day. When I neglect You, I am dry. I am a fish removed from the sea. I cannot meet my own needs, Father. Only You fill me. You are all that is necessary and more.
Oh, what a gift creation is to me! A love letter from Your heart. You poured out this very ocean; the sand You sprinkled like magic. You pulled the skies from nothing, and sent out the wind to where it was needed. You cause the waves to roll and give the water its beautiful glow. As the sun sets, You paint Your sky: reds and golds, blues and purples. All this that I might love You more.
There is a hunger in my heart, Lord; a longing for more than this world can offer. You placed it in me, this desire. Adventure, freedom, beauty, and peace: these flow from You and fill the hole in my heart. A puzzle piece that You have molded, tailor-made with me in mind.
I am Your bride, sweet Jesus! See me spotless before Your throne. Take me in Your arms; I long for You. My mind and heart are expressly for you. Before You spoke into the void, you knew my name and called me Your own.
Oh, to think that You are jealous for me! My finite mind barely conceives, and my soul leaps within me. Your love is overwhelming; what can I say? If it is greater than the sea, I cannot fathom it. If it is more beautiful than the stars, I cannot comprehend it. Oh, but that I would taste it evermore!
I could think on You forever, for You are more than enough for all of me. I am so small, so faulty and worthless, yet I am of every worth to You. Even as I fail You now, still You see only my love.
Purge me of my wicked ways! Break me for Your name! I am but a tiny speck, prone to fall at every turn. Your power flows within me; Your love redeems my steps. Though I will forget You soon, I know, You turn not Your face from me. You will not deny me this love, this love which I have never deserved. From where did this majesty come? From where did grace so bountiful first flow? You have no beginning, and there is no end to Your goodness.
Eternity awaits me, the greatest gift of all. To always be before You, perfectly before You- what bliss! Truly there is nothing better. You’ve given me a taste, but how small this awesome glimpse really is! Neverending treasures sit at Your right hand. You eagerly await the day I’ll see Your face.
You never change yet You always astonish. Jesus, Lord, my Love! Consume my heart and make it Your own. Walk with me forever. There is no hand I’d rather hold, no path I’d rather walk. All gifts I have have come from You; I will thank You all of my days, I love You more than I can say, more even than I can comprehend. It’s all from You, all good that I have. Let me never forget Your love!
Oh, how You refresh my soul! Let me always have You in view. You clean the mess of my mind and neatly tie up all my loose ends. I am perfectly content before You.
[Afterthought]…Life is too short not to celebrate. Every minute is a gift from You to me and back to You.
