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You may know, if you go to my church or college group, that our college pastor Brian Kiley had his last night with us this past Sunday. [You can read his blog post about it here.] That night I was working the tech booth (as I have been for a while now) running powerpoint. On the last song, I let myself think about the implications of Brian’s departure, and did my best to hold back the tears. Then I lost track of where we were in the song and forgot to go to the next slide, so my emotional moment thankfully ended. I avoided saying anything serious all night, because I knew that if I said something I would most likely break down.
A few minutes ago, while reading Brian’s post and seeing again the horribly sad picture of him sitting in the empty venue room on the stage (which perfectly encapsulates every aspect of this event), I cried again, as bitterly as I would have if I’d let myself on Sunday. I was somewhat surprised by the intensity of my sadness. It seemed there was a little something extra for which I was crying. Looking back at the picture and reading the comment before mine on the post told me what it was: the situation is a foreshadowing of what will happen to me one day. It’s happening to so many people, and I know one day I’ll experience it too. It’s the fact that I will one day have to leave New Song and venture out wherever God calls me. Yes, I’ll follow Him anywhere, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be heartbreak in doing so. It’ll be bittersweet, I’m sure, as the pain of leaving mixes with the excitement of a new adventure. I’ve wished more than once that I could just pick up whole cities and buildings and move them into my own newly assembled world. I would have moved Winnipeg to Oceanside back in 2007 if I could have. [If you're confused by that statement, read About the Writer.] When I leave Oceanside I know I’m going to want to take it with me, but alas, that will never be. Life changes; people move away. Bonds are broken as new ones are formed. The only consistency is Jesus.
I loved what Brian said about that on Sunday. I wrote it down word-for-word it was so awesome. He said, ” The leader of Seven24 has never been me; the leader is Jesus, and He’s not going anywhere.” I absolutely love that. He’s not going anywhere. What a comfort it is to know that our precious Beloved, our beautiful Savior, isn’t going anywhere. No matter where we go or who we leave behind, He will be there by our sides. He was with me when I left California in June 2006. He was with me when I left Winnipeg in June 2007. He was with me when I left my high school friends and church for New Song in November 2007. He was with me even after I left my mother and brother and my life-long love of ballet in October 2008. There is nothing that makes me think He won’t be with me when I leave New Song one day.
Brian has not only been an excellent pastor, he has been a great example of a man of God and a beloved part of our community. He’s on my list of favorite people, and he’s the one who God used to inspire me to go to seminary one day. In short, God has used Brian to shape my life as it is today, and I know He has used him in this way for many others as well. In the end, when making that change from one community to another, that is what matters. How did God use me to touch hearts and change lives in this place? Our pain is never worthless when we go through it for the kingdom of God.
I’ve said before that poetry is an art-form near to my heart, that it helps me express myself clearly and effectively when I feel strongly about something. Well, I just wrote a poem. Hopefully, this poem will live up to its purpose. I needed closure on something that’s been going on in my life this year. It pretty much began in January, and it’s been breaking me down the last month and a half or so. I really can’t take it anymore. It was part of the reason I wanted to move to San Francisco- to escape it. But alas, I can’t escape it by running away. God wants me here in Oceanside, thus I must face it head on and choose everyday to be done with it. I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive and let it all go, but I know that I must. How dare I hold onto unforgiveness when God has forgiven me of everything I have done and will do against him! Compared to my offenses against Him, this one against me is nothing.
I thought I was done with it on Saturday night. I was up till 3 AM praying and reading my Bible (not the whole time, I had watched SNL too). I felt a tug on my heart to forgive, so I followed it- or so I thought. I woke up Sunday morning crying, because I had just been dreaming of the offense and was feeling the pain all over again. All of Sunday I held onto that unforgiveness again. I was simply honest before God. I know I have to forgive, and I really want to! But I just can’t. Not now, I told Him.
Monday night I realized that it was a choice. I realized I’ve been letting my emotions take me for a wild ride; back and forth, I’m over it I’m not, again and again, and if I’m ever going to let it go, I have to choose to do so. Even if that means choosing forgiveness one hundred times a day.
So today, I wrote a poem. I listed the facts, I reached my conclusion. I have to forgive, because I am called to do so. I have to forgive, because I cannot allow Satan a foothold in my heart. I have to forgive, because I can’t take the pain any longer.
The person I am forgiving probably wouldn’t know who they were if they read this. That’s ok. I don’t need to tell them they’re forgiven. They might even get upset if I did so because they probably don’t even think they did anything wrong. It’s more between God and I than anything else.
I urge you, if there is anyone you are holding a grudge against, anyone who has hurt you and you haven’t let it go, FORGIVE THEM. Yes, it’s hard, it’s sometimes the absolute hardest option there is. But it is the only option if we want to walk away in freedom.
