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Finally, I am alone in the office. This solitude is unusually enjoyable for me today. I’ve been trying to write coherently for what feels like weeks now. Each time I start expounding upon a thought, I hit a wall and save it as a draft. I deleted all but one of those drafts today.
Sometimes, emotions and states of being just can’t be put into words. I greatly dislike this, as I am one who goes about life trying to put everything into words; and if you can put those words to music, it’s even better. But now, there seem to be no words to perfectly capture the residence of my heart.
There are some things I could ponder here, things that perhaps need to be pondered, but I’m just not sure if I want to write about them.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about change, which, if you’re a part of New Song or Seven24, you’ll know has been sparked by all the changes happening around here. Change in life is inevitable. Our lives are not meant to be comfortable and perfect, especially not if we’re walking with Christ. But that’s just the thing. We’re walking with Christ. So in every uncomfortable, saddening change, He will still be there. He will still be our companion, our comfort, and our joy.
Last week Sydney helped me with my music fundamentals class. After I finished my quiz on rhythm notation, we talked about university and music programs and tranferring. She advised me not to go to the school I’ve been planning to attend, and instead suggested one in the LA area. Suddenly it was as though my whole new direction was crumbling. Questions for God flooded my mind and a fear of change arose.
I’ve had a few days to wrestle this idea of going to school in LA. I’m not scared anymore. God’s ways are so much higher than mine. I don’t know what He has in store for my future, not in the least. I have my vision and my direction, but I’ve surrendered it completely to God. He can do what He wants with me; the main character of my story isn’t me anyway (it’s Him).
Sometimes I get in these reckless states. I feel like I could go absolutely anywhere and do absolutely anything if God commanded me. I don’t actually do anything in these times, but if He asked me to, I wouldn’t question or hesitate for even a second. In these moments, my faith is so big that I don’t even know what to do with it. I think that’s kind of how I feel right now, at 5:00 PM on Monday, July 6th.
I haven’t written very many highly personal entries lately. This was a conscious decision: I wanted to make my blog less about me and more about God, which is the same thing I want for my life. I suppose, however, it is okay to write about my personal journey every once in a while. Thus, here I am.
Tonight has been a night of realizations. Essentially, I am conceding that I am willing to do a couple of specific things God’s way instead of mine. I’m willing to let go of one vision for my life and trade it for another.
I gave my testimony at ATS tonight, my church’s high school small groups night. I wanted to do it because I felt that God wanted to say something to one or more of the students through my story. I’ve only shared my testimony twice; the first time was at Seven24 (college group), the second time tonight. Both times, though the second was a bit better, I felt like I was babbling on and on and leaving out important things. My hands were shaking and I was bad at keeping eye contact with my audience. (I also broke down in tears in the middle, but that’s another story.) I am going to work on writing it out in a more concise, effective manner; however, the experience showed me something: I am not gifted in public speaking.
Lately I have been trying to work up a vision for my future, a bit of a general idea of what my ministry might look like one day. (I don’t make “plans” anymore, because God is really into changing them on me.) I thought that maybe I could be a college pastor someday. God told me to dream bigger, so that was my response. Well, tonight changed that. I felt it pretty clearly from Him that He does not intend to make me a traditional pastor of any kind. I may have the spiritual gift of shepherding, but I’m not cut out for being the one up front doing all the talking.
Another way in which I surrendered to God’s plan & timing tonight is with school. My goal is to get my BA in Music and then go to seminary for either an MDiv or an MA. I am so excited to go to seminary that I have been trying to rush my undergrad work as quickly as I can. Having no “technical” background in music, this is a difficult task. I’m going to be getting help on theory with one friend and coaching on vocals with another, but even with all that help and practice, I am beginning to realize that I will probably take longer getting my Bachelors than I would like. I think I’m going to be okay with that. I can’t cram as many pre-transfer music courses into a semester as I thought I could. God has called me to this degree, so I’m going to do it, no matter how hard it is. Instead of being focused solely on seminary, I’m going to start looking for what God would have for me now, while working on my BA.
So that’s just a little taste of where I’m at lately. I’m still not going to write about me that much, and I’m working on removing all the previous entries that focus on me-me-me. If I have some urgent prayer request or awesome praise report, you’ll probably hear about it, but other than that, I’m going to be relatively silent when it comes to my life.
[It's the creepiest thing: I haven't felt like writing lately. Ever since I moved out and consequently don't have to spend pointless hours in the library, I just don't feel like blogging. I've decided it's time to force myself.]
As many of you already know, I used to be an almost-professional ballet dancer. I moved out of my mom’s house on a Wednesday a few weeks ago, and on the following Friday God called me out of ballet and into full-time ministry. I had already received the call to ministry in April of this year, but hadn’t understood what it would look like in conjunction with dancing and being an orthopedic technician or Physician’s Assistant (two careers my mom desperately wanted me to pursue). So that Friday night, after having an incredible talk with Roy at the pier during Frontline, I went to the prayer room and told God I wasn’t leaving until He told me what I was supposed to do, because on the way back to the church after Frontline I had gotten a tiny glimpse at some change that was going to occur in my life, and I needed to know what it was.
Long story short, after an hour in the prayer room spent writing down the “heated discussion” that took place between God and me (I was the heated one), I emerged knowing exactly what He wanted me to do the next day: not go to ballet, and consequently, not be a professional dancer. Ever.
Oddly enough, I didn’t really miss it. I was a little bit scared; after all, I had spent the past sixteen and a half years of my life pursuing this dream, and now I was beign asked to just walk away and enter a world that I really knew precious little about- worship and women’s ministry (more on that later). But I trusted God, and I knew this was from Him; there was no mistaking that Voice.
It’s been three and a half weeks since I last danced. It feels like longer. I still don’t miss it in my day-to-day life; I’m so incredibly busy with ministry and adjusting to this new idea of a fluid, spontaneous schedule that I don’t have time to miss it. Until this past Wednesday night.
I went to InterVarsity large group at CalState San Marcos, as is my new usual Wednesday routine. We had two guest artists from Celebrant Singers do a presentation during the time we would have usually had the first set of worship, for which I was singing. I really don’t like it when worship time gets cut down, especially when I’m doing vocals, but I wanted to know what they were about anyway.
There was a violinist and a singer. The singer talked first, then the violinist. She played a song for God on her violin. It was a pas de deux from Swan Lake.
I cried.
The pain of my sacrifice hit me as soon as I heard the melody of that heartwrenchingly beautiful pas de deux. Reality slipped away as I was suddenly on stage, pointe shoes on, executing the flowing adagio under the bright white lights, with no sense of time or place; just me and the music.
I had to leave the room while she played, and for a short time after to compose myself. When she finished, the singer went back up and talked about following Jesus wherever He leads you. Everything spoke right into my heart. The momentary pain did not change the fact that God wanted me out of ballet, and it did not change my resolution to follow Him, no matter how crazy His plans seem.
I realized in that moment several things. First, that I hadn’t been missing ballet because I’d been avoiding it at all costs, which wasn’t too difficult considering it hardly ever intersects with the worlds of college and the church. Second, that my giving it up really was a sacrifice for God. I hadn’t thought of it as such because I hadn’t really felt any pain over it, but as soon as I was exposed to it again- nay, exposed to simply the music again- I broke down. Third, I remembered that following Him truly is worth sacrificing everything.
In place of dancing, my life is now filled with ministry. My plan now entails working with young women and worship. I have to start learning music theory, keyboarding, vocal techniques, and guitar (again). The fingers on my left hand are already pink and sore, but I can once again play the chords for “Marvelous Light” and sing it at the same time.
I was worried everyone was going to think I was crazy for quitting ballet. I’m fairly certain I already had somewhat of a reputation for craziness, so I expressed this hesitation to God that night in the prayer room. “This is what I’m known for, Lord!” You’re going to be known for Me now, He said. I’ll take that any day.
I don’t think I really care if people think I’m crazy anymore. As long as I know God’s in it, what people see really doesn’t matter. Besides, don’t you think the God of the Universe should be considered a little crazy? I mean, He did send His only Son to a rotten, sinful earth to die for all the scummy people on it. Sounds a little crazy to me.
