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I haven’t written very many highly personal entries lately. This was a conscious decision: I wanted to make my blog less about me and more about God, which is the same thing I want for my life. I suppose, however, it is okay to write about my personal journey every once in a while. Thus, here I am.
Tonight has been a night of realizations. Essentially, I am conceding that I am willing to do a couple of specific things God’s way instead of mine. I’m willing to let go of one vision for my life and trade it for another.
I gave my testimony at ATS tonight, my church’s high school small groups night. I wanted to do it because I felt that God wanted to say something to one or more of the students through my story. I’ve only shared my testimony twice; the first time was at Seven24 (college group), the second time tonight. Both times, though the second was a bit better, I felt like I was babbling on and on and leaving out important things. My hands were shaking and I was bad at keeping eye contact with my audience. (I also broke down in tears in the middle, but that’s another story.) I am going to work on writing it out in a more concise, effective manner; however, the experience showed me something: I am not gifted in public speaking.
Lately I have been trying to work up a vision for my future, a bit of a general idea of what my ministry might look like one day. (I don’t make “plans” anymore, because God is really into changing them on me.) I thought that maybe I could be a college pastor someday. God told me to dream bigger, so that was my response. Well, tonight changed that. I felt it pretty clearly from Him that He does not intend to make me a traditional pastor of any kind. I may have the spiritual gift of shepherding, but I’m not cut out for being the one up front doing all the talking.
Another way in which I surrendered to God’s plan & timing tonight is with school. My goal is to get my BA in Music and then go to seminary for either an MDiv or an MA. I am so excited to go to seminary that I have been trying to rush my undergrad work as quickly as I can. Having no “technical” background in music, this is a difficult task. I’m going to be getting help on theory with one friend and coaching on vocals with another, but even with all that help and practice, I am beginning to realize that I will probably take longer getting my Bachelors than I would like. I think I’m going to be okay with that. I can’t cram as many pre-transfer music courses into a semester as I thought I could. God has called me to this degree, so I’m going to do it, no matter how hard it is. Instead of being focused solely on seminary, I’m going to start looking for what God would have for me now, while working on my BA.
So that’s just a little taste of where I’m at lately. I’m still not going to write about me that much, and I’m working on removing all the previous entries that focus on me-me-me. If I have some urgent prayer request or awesome praise report, you’ll probably hear about it, but other than that, I’m going to be relatively silent when it comes to my life.
There is so much chaos in this world. In my life alone I know at least three people with enough problems to drive me insane, enough problems for me to want to give up on them. They seem so beyond change, beyond help, and yet God asks that we have faith that they can change, that they will change. I long for these people to turn their hearts toward Him, to give themselves fully to His incredible love, but I honestly have very little faith that it will happen.
Tonight at Celebrate Recovery (a ministry at my church that seeks to offer people freedom in Christ), Edwin gave his testimony. If you don’t know Edwin, let me just say that this guy is amazing. You can clearly see that he loves God with all that he has and is. He truly seeks to love as Christ does, and is possibly the best example of an imitator of Christ that I have ever seen. I was so excited to hear his testimony; rightfully so, as God proceeded to totally speak to me through it.
Edwin has been a Christian for only 5 years. Before he gave his life to God, anger constantly consumed his heart. He was prejudiced against everyone and always mean. But when God got a hold of him…he changed. Over time the Holy Spirit has turned him into a totally new creation, an unrecognizable person.
As I listened to Edwin’s story, I felt God telling me something. It’s possible, He said. I can change these people. I can change their hearts. You’re not the one changing them, I am. You’re just the instrument I’ve chosen. Immediately I knew He wanted me to hear Edwin’s story so that I could have hope for those people in my life. So that my prayers won’t be desperate and faithless. So that I can believe in miracles for them.
I get overwhelmed just thinking about the changes one person needs to undergo before they are a new creation in Christ. But just think, God has to think about everyone. All that chaos, all those hard hearts. But He’s God. He can do it. It’s not us and our “great witnessing” that changes people. It’s our obedience to let God include us on His Great Rescue of humanity in whichever way He chooses, so that He can move freely and do all the heart-changing.
And that’s just stinkin’ awesome.
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The Samson blog (Edwin & his wife Amy)
I can’t even tell you how much I am in love with the kingdom of God. Every time I talk about it, I bubble over with excitement. I start talking faster and faster, and my ears heat up and turn red, and sometimes my hands even shake. Today I even started crying. The kingdom of God does weird things to me.
I have learned so many things and grown in so many ways in the past week. I can’t even begin to attempt to share it all with you. God’s been weeding things out of my life lately, more than ever before you might say. He silenced the Enemy’s voice in my mind last week and gave me tools to combat it in the future. He healed a very tender open wound and purified my heart of any of its ugly remains. He removed my feelings of urgent frustration over an extremely difficult relationship. He reassured me that my basic needs will always be met. He revealed a couple of next steps in His plans for my life. He gave me confidence in my decision to stop being anxious for a romantic relationship and instead wait for Him to arrange it. He essentially took all the junk that’s been crowding my head and heart, boxed it up, and threw it in the spiritual woodchipper.
Now, to fill the empty spaces the junk once occupied, He is teaching me constantly. Lessons like the value of accountability and what it means to FULLY trust Him. I’m learning the simplicity and importance of casting all my anxieties on Him and what my identity as His daughter means. He’s beginning to show me what the scope of the ministry He has prepared for me is. He is asking me to give Him more: more trust, more faith, more love, more sacrifice, more worship. He is asking me to expect Him to show up everywhere, to expect Him to do miracles around me. He is asking me to set my eyes on Him and forget that peripheral vision exists. It’s exactly like the song (as of course I relate everything to one song or another):
The cross before me, the world behind; no turning back, raise the banner high! It’s not for us; it’s all for You.
That is the perfect picture of my life at this moment. I long for it to always be the perfect picture of my life. There is nothing else worth gazing at but the cross. I have not a single urge to look back and even consider what things would be like had I not chosen to accept this calling, had I never written “COUNT ME IN!!!” on my bedroom wall. Any beauty that my heart reflects, any wisdom that passes my lips, any love that flows forth from me, is all because of Jesus. None of that is Courtney. I absolutely love that fact. Dying to self is an incredible experience. Each time I surrender another part of me to Him, He grows my maturity, and suddenly I am producing His fruit. It’s a beautiful gift; He rewards us for our submission by making us look more and more like Him. There is no way we can lay any claim to that kind of character, because it isn’t us. It’s God in us! How awesome is that? The God of the Universe wants to be reflected in us!
My life has taken its craziest turns in the past 3 years. I graduated high school at the tender age of 16. I moved to Canada all by myself and lived there for a year. I danced among some of the greatest professional ballet dancers in the world. I returned home with a severe injury. I started college (something I literally thought would NEVER happen). I finally fell in love with Jesus. I discovered Christ-centered friendships and the importance and beauty of church. I stopped talking to my dad for 8 months. I received a call to full-time ministry. I changed my major a hundred times (or so it seemed). My relationship with my dad was miraculously redeemed. I moved out of my mother’s house (much to her chagrin) and into my father’s. I stopped dancing for the first time in 16 and a half years. I quit school and then decided to go back.
And then there were the firsts. I was surrounded by all non-Christians for the first time. I experienced truly having more than just a “crush” on a guy and then got rejected, big time. I flew internationally by myself multiple times. I didn’t dance for six months. I didn’t guard my heart and fell in love. I began to rebel against my mother. I got asked out on a date for the first time and then it never happened. I was at the heart of a major “drama.” I dated someone. I dyed my hair and got my nose pierced. I became a night owl. I miraculously got over my first love. I knowingly hurt a friend deeply. I dated someone again. I got a piece of my heart broken.
Through all of these events, I could have been completely broken. I could have lost my way and gotten caught up in the rollercoaster of action that seemed to be the new normal for me. Instead, God moved. He gave me a gift of faith, and that is the only way that my relationship with Him is where it is. He used each one of the things to refine me and grow me- even the blatant mistakes! He redeemed all of it. On top of that, I have come through all of that chaos peaceful and assured of God’s plan more than ever before. I am so in awe of Him that I hardly have anything else to say. My only hope and prayer is that someone reading this will begin to believe in His power for their life as well! There is power in testimony.
(Again with the songs) There have been 2 songs that have struck me as perfect descriptions of my life. The first is “I Will Waste My Life” by Misty Edwards. Word for word, I could have written that song. It is my experience and my heart. The second is “I Don’t Regret” by Barlow Girl. Again, a song I could have written. I don’t think there is any better way to convey everything I’ve been trying to say to you than for you to simply listen to these, so I’ll close with this (couldn’t find the Barlow Girl one anywhere, sorry):
Ahhh it makes me so emotional! :)
